Ben Shephard

It’s recently come to my attention that I’ve not been acting myself again since the new year. I know what the root cause of this was but it wasn’t until Janine pointed it out yesterday that I realised I have a problem with anxiety. I’ve had to stay at home on my own today because I needed to think things through and do some reading and quiet a few pennies have started to drop today. The situation I’ve been in since the new year isn’t something I’ve experienced before and it’s not really something I can talk about easily on here so I’m going to go with the ones I can talk about openly and have had lots of experience of before which is social anxiety and phobia.

last year I made a new years resolution which I wrote about on here and part of that was to start attending Linux user group (LUG) meetings. There are Linux user groups all over the world which are just groups of people with a common interest in Linux and open source software who meet up maybe once a month to socialise and talk about their common interest. There is a LUG in most towns and cities and around here there is one in Mansfield and one in Nottingham. I never did find the courage to go along though because I felt frightened of meeting new people. This is a pretty recent example but going back I remember when I used to be frightened of just going shopping for groceries. I hated it and when I went to the supermarket I’d keep my head down and not look at anyone and try not to talk to anyone if I could avoid it. One of the things that used to scare me the most about shopping was bumping into people I haven’t seen for years because I felt awkward and never knew what to say. Even if I’d bump into someone from work who I spent every day with and knew really well I’d panic because I was in unfamiliar surroundings and never know what to say to them.

Going back even further I remember not being able to talk to certain people whom I felt uneasy around for various reasons. One was a director at a company I used to work for who would say good morning to me in passing in the corridor and my reply would just come out completely garbled which at the time I didn’t understand why. On several occasions I was completely unable to speak to him. He must have thought he’d hired a right nutter

On another occasion my sister took me to a Slimming World meeting which she went to quiet regularly as she thought it might help me lose weight but once I got there and was sat in a big circle with everyone else I panicked and by the end of it I decided not to go again which I don’t think my sister was very impressed about but I was too scared of being in that kind of social situation again.

I’ve found this condition pretty easy to live with because most things I can run away from quiet easily. My life has changed somewhat since meeting Janine and I have come to realise that this kind of thing might prove more of a problem for me since there are all kinds of new situations that I’m being thrown head on into which is no bad thing. It’s my choice to do this but relationships aren’t easy and some times there are things that could cause me problems such as meeting the family which I think I’ve dealt with surprisingly well given the problems I’ve had in the past. Now I’ve realised this is an issue I need to try to improve things but the question is how to go about it. I think if I go to the doctors they will probably prescribe me a course of mind altering drugs of the kind I’ve had before for depression but I know from experience these things can be addictive and can cause more problems than they solve. I’ve asked my doctors advice in herbal treatments before but doctors it seems don’t study or have any interest in herbal and potentially much less dangerous medicines. My doctor told me I should go to a shop that specialises in such remedies and ask them as they would know more they him. This is perhaps a problem with modern medical practice. Herbal remedies have been used for thousands of years and there seems to be little understanding of their effectiveness compared to commercial alternatives. I think is because there is less money in herbal medicine so all the studies are conducted with commercial drugs and the companies that produce those are good at marketing them regardless of how good they are compared to herbal alternatives.

The other options out there are things such as cognitive behavioural therapy but I’m unsure how that would work at the moment but it’s something I need to look at. I’d prefer to try and deal with this without outside help if I can so I might invest in some self help books or something.

It would be nice to hear from others who suffer with similar issues or those who have seen me in such a situation before or even anyone who has something to say on this subject. Feel free to drop a comment on this post or email me via my contact page or what ever.

Ben

= 5.6

It’s been a few days since my last post and I’ve been trying to think up a new years resolution. Last year I decided no more festivals which ended up being no gigs at all but I also wanted to go to some Linux events which I’ve done as I went to Lug Radio Live which was an interesting experience for me. I also said I wanted to go down to the Nottingham Lug meeting but I never did manage to get over the fear of being in a new situation with people I don’t know. This year I’ll be sticking with the no festivals thing but as for Linux events I’m also less bothered about doing that again. I highly doubt I’ll be going abroad this year but I’d like to if I could but since I now have other people in my life to think about planning a trip abroad is not so easy. I pretty much used to just book a flight and go.

I think most of my aims for this year are work related but there are a lot of variables involved there and it’s not as simple as getting up and doing something. I want to settle down a bit and work towards taking things further with Janine. One of the first things I wanted to do was to help Janine learn to drive. I’ve sorted the insurance out but since then the roads have been all iced up which isn’t a good thing to take a learner driver out in on their first lesson. I’ve had a few hairy moments myself over the last few days and I’ve been driving for over ten years now.

As far as new technology goes I’ll be sticking with the stuff I’ve got and doing a few repairs and upgrades. I’m in the process of swapping the solid state drive in my netbook for a 1.8 inch Toshiba hard drive. Sadly I’ve made a bit of a mess of this and screwed up the ribbon cable that connects the drive to the motherboard and had to order another off ebay so the netbook is currently in bits in a draw until I can finish it. I’ve resorted to using my big laptop but I have to keep it plugged in as the battery died suddenly a few months ago. I’ll be investing in a replacement soon but it’s been an expensive few weeks so I’ll wait a bit before I go spending any more. I still have to buy lots of other stuff like new tyres for the car and some more chairs for the dining room.

It’s looking like being a very different year for me with all the changes that have been taking place recently and I’m still not sure exactly where things will be in a years time but I’m looking forward to it and taking each day as it comes. The one toy I will treat myself to closer to next Christmas is a new mobile phone My G1 is a fantastic phone and gets better every day now I’m running CyanogenMod on it. The Nexus One was just released by Google and it looks like a cracking phone. My only criticism is that it doesn’t have a keyboard. I love the real qwerty keyboard on my G1. I use the on screen keyboard a bit but not much and for the sake of a slightly thicker phone I’d prefer one with a real keyboard so I’ll see what comes along in 11 months or so.

And so forward into the unknown for me.

Ben

= 6.6

As another year and another decade begins I like to look back at where I’ve been on my journey that is my life and where I’m going in the future. Looking back at the last year things have gone pretty well apart from the odd hiccup. I’ve met some wonderful people some of whom have had a big influence on me. For the first time ever I’m starting the year with someone who I think will be beside me for years to come. Over the decade I’ve had a total of four partners all of whom were very different and changed me in different ways to create the person I am today. I’ve learnt that sometimes things aren’t what they seem and sometimes there comes a point when you can’t even continue a friendship and have to shut each other out completely. This is the conclusion I came to after my trip to the USA in the summer of last year. Sometimes it’s better to just walk away and remember the good parts, forget the rest and never return. I tried to avoid saying it in my blog post when I got home but it was a week of torture. There is nothing quiet like being trapped in a foreign country and not being able to stand being with the only person you know for thousands of miles. I came very close to leaving when she wasn’t looking but couldn’t help thinking where would I have gone and what would I have done.

Before I left for the states I’d had a few problems at work and I wasn’t in a relationship at the time so I was pretty lonely too but to then go through that I didn’t really know what to do with myself when the plane hit the tarmac at Birmingham airport. I didn’t want to be here with all the problems I was having nor did I want to be anywhere else. I decided the only place I wanted to be was in my own world and I began to care less and less about what was going on around me and concerntrate on me and what I wanted out of myself. I resigned myself to being single and at work I just try and shut the rest of the world out as much as I can. At the start of the year I used to really push myself as hard as I could and keep an eye on how well I was doing. Now I go to work and do my best but I don’t push myself like I used to. Slogging your guts out is all well and good when there is a reward of some kind at the end of it but I rarely even get thanked when I do. If I’m honest I’m a bit bored of what I do since it doesn’t really push my ability to it’s limits. I spend most of my time pushing paperwork around, resetting passwords and stuff like that. I’ve also been allowed out to do some second line stuff like building PC’s, setting up new work areas and fixing printers and the like. This makes a change from the routine of first line support but still doesn’t really push me to my limits. I’d like to be doing something where I have can learn something new all the time. I pick up new things very quickly and I can see things going on that I’d like to be more involved with but I feel like it just won’t happen. I have a thirst for knowledge which is why I love working in IT because technology is constantly evolving and there is always something new to learn but right now I feel like in the middle of the desert with one tap dripping very slowly Perhaps this will change for the better but I’m just not sure how yet.

As miserable as I sound about 2009 it ended pretty well. Since I’d resigned myself to being single and stopped looking for a partner all of a sudden I find I’ve found someone I can really relate to and I get on very well with. My friends have always said I’ll find the right one when I least expect it and they were right. I suppose I couldn’t see the wood for the trees when I was looking for someone. Now I’ve found the person I want to be with the future holds a different set of challenges such as how to go about making a life together. We both have different backgrounds and trying to bring those together is going to be a challenge but one I’m looking forward to that.

As for my hobbies they will have to be scaled back a bit in 2010 to make way for all the new things in my life. I will continue to write my blog and hopefully to host it myself but it may have to survive with less time devoted to it and less space in the house. I’ve learned more than I could ever have imagined possible over the last year or so of writing a blog. It’s helped me develop my IT knowledge and even helped me improve my writing skills. There is still a great deal to learn from this experience but I’d also like to transfer those skills into my job where I can. I need to cut down on the number of machines I own and on the size of them. I currently have a whole room dedicated to my computers even if I rarely sit at my desk since having a laptop and netbook and a nice living room to sit in I have way too much stuff but perhaps I could keep a space of my own by converting the shed into somewhere I can put my machines. I feel like I’m becoming a bit like my dad in a way because his shed is a place where he can go to get out of the way. He has a small stove in there and spends his time carving a piece of wood into something useful. The only down side is the shed has to be shared with the gardening tools and the spiders. I know the sacrifices I have to make are well worth it and should pose some new scenarios to challenge me in other ways which I should be able to learn a great deal from.

I’m really looking forward to 2010 it’s looking like being a bit different to the last decade. Life goes on and I feel like I’m entering a new era all together.

It’s pretty late (4:15am) so I’m going to try and get some sleep. Tomorrow I need to get the house tidied as me and Janine are going to Janine’s sisters for the evening, then were staying at mine which is a first for us and I’ve been neglecting the cleaning a bit over Christmas so I need to get my finger out a bit.

Ben

= 6.8